Sunday. A day for rest, reflection, and reverence. Or in my case, getting Punk'd. I've always wanted to be on that show- forget the fact that I'm not famous or friends with Ashton Kutcher- but never thought that I'd actually manage to punk myself. I haven't been to church all summer, and so I figured it was time to get back in the groove. I Google'd a bunch of churches throughout the week, and the only one I found with a Young Adult ministry ended up being the winner. I left the house on time, and Jeeves said I'd make it there with ten minutes to spare. Perfect- I didn't want to do the walk of shame, escorted by an usher to the front of the church because I'm late, on my first day. I made the 40 minute drive to Baltimore, and even though I got a little worried as I drove through the church's neighborhood, I saw plenty of cars parked on the street and said a little prayer that Sparkle would still be there (and not sitting on bricks) when I got back from service.
I walked into church wearing a knee-length dress, pearls, pumps, and Bible-less (I left mine in my old car when I moved). Things seemed a little off when I walked into the foyer; the doors to the sanctuary were closed, but there was only one other person standing there with me. I heard the congregation praying in unison, so I figured I was missing the responsive reading. Weird. It's kinda early for that part of the service, I thought. But hey, different strokes for different folks. I walked up to the deeply stained wood double-doors, and a tall, broad shouldered gentleman in a black suit opened it for me- I guess he was an usher but, he didn't seem to be concerned that I couldn't find a seat. Besides me and Big n Tall, no one else in my view was dressed in their Sunday best. I saw jeans, long peasant skirts, polos, t-shirts, sandals. What's going on here? OK, Ce. You're overdressed, but that's fine.I felt only moderately self-conscious. And still, no one was helping me find a seat!
I took a deep breath, and walked awkwardly down the left-most aisle, trying to stay inconspicuous. I circled pillars and side-stepped my way to the front, faking confidence and poise the whole time. I did that mime motion/church whisper ::eye contact...point:: "Is that seat taken?" to any one who would acknowledge my presence. I barely made eye contact with any one, and those who did see me quickly nodded and turned their attention toward the pulpit. The pastor, who I recognized from his picture on the website, was commending the Youth Choir for a job well-done in the service. Hmm, did I miss their opening number? It's only 11:30 and service started at 11am...that's weird.
Finally, someone with a nametag approached me. I again mouthed, "Can I sit there?" and directed her attention to an open seat in the second pew. She leaned in closer to hear me, but I thought she was trying to give me a welcome hug. I put my arm on her back and then, as she slyly pulled away, I rushed through my pre-planned "Good morning" and asked where I could sit. She just nodded and smiled. So, you didn't hear me? OK, cool. I heard the pastor say "let's look unto the Lord" so I bowed my head, closed my eyes, and then got REALLY confused. Am I hearing properly? Why was he doing to altar call at the beginning of the service? Isn't that usually reserved as the climax of the entire production? Praise and worship, a moving sermon, then an invitation to give your life to Christ, and/or to make this your church home. I'm new to the Baptist faith but, that's the way it goes, right? No new members were added to the kingdom or to the church family that morning, and I had no more time to go over the order of events. I resumed the seat-finding mission. Three more rejections, and I found a woman who was willing to move her suitcase-purse so I could sit down. I put down my keys and cellphone, and readied myself for the sermon, which I was sure would be coming soon.
"Now, it's time to worship through giving", the pastor said. OK, sweet, I brought offering today. I looked in the program I snagged earlier when Big n Tall let me in, and scanned for the order of events. Worship through Giving was immediately followed by Benediction. HUH?! I only had seconds to ponder this when my pew was ushered to the front of the church by a Cicely Tyson-sized woman in an all white skirt suit. I dropped my money into the basket, and scurried back to my seat trying to look like I knew exactly what I was doing. All of the elders at the front greeted me like I was a long-time member, and as welcome as I felt, I still had an inkling that the entire congregation knew something I didn't. It was like they were all waiting on the cue to jump up and start spraying me with silly string yelling "Got ya!", and then they'd high-five each other while I sat there confused and covered in gooey pink string. I checked the program again. No way I read that right. The benediction was next? Oh, but I did read correctly. Under 'This Week's Announcements', there it was "Next Sunday, we will return to 8:30am and 11:00am services." I flipped to the front of the program "August 29, 2010 9:30am Service." No. Way.
The pastor affirmed my hypothesis when offering was over: "Now church, you know we been spoiled this summer! Through most of July and all of August, we've had the luxury of these 9:30am services. But I know we will all, amen, be back in full swing next week when we resume two services each Sunday, amen. God-willing, I will be here leading both services; we got alotta great things planned for the rest of the year... " I missed most of the other announcements. Something about the Men's ministry first Friday get together, and a bake sale by the youth immediately following the service. So, I missed it. This is unbelievable! I drove forty minutes, got lost, found parking in the shiftiest of neighborhoods, and I totally missed church. But, humming "he reigns forever, he reigns forever, and eveerrrr mooorrrre", I got up and bowed my head again as instructed, ready for the benediction.
It's hard to justify being frustrated walking out of a church. I just shook the devil off, and kept it moving. I had errands to run anyway, and at least I got my blessing for the week. Another wacko adventure that only a rookie could accomplish. Greater Gethsemane, I'll be back next Sunday.
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