This morning as I got ready for church, I turned on Super Soul Sunday as background noise. I watched parts of the interview as I made oatmeal and picked out a dress. Part of the episode featured a cancer survivor, now well-past the ten-year time limit her doctors spoke on her life when she was diagnosed with "cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer" all throughout her liver. She said she often thinks back on how many days she wasted awaiting joy. "When I get better..." or "when my cancer goes away,..." she thought, "then I'll have joy."
This sentiment of finding joy in the moment, not waiting for happenings to be happy, is one that was echoed in the sermon a few hours later. As I sat next to a new classmate, I listened to the scripture read that asks us to think about where we were when we were saved. As we often call out in church, I'm not where I'm going to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be. I feel this sentiment not only about the mistakes I've made, or the words and arrows I've shot that I wish I could take back. I also think about the sense of peace and acceptance I've reached, knowing I came a long way from the frenetic, anxious, unconfident teenager and college student I was only a few short years ago.
I started medical school last week. Though my first day of medical school class was something I thought i'd have experienced at age 21, something I wished for endlessly, as I jotted down "26th birthday!" on my calendar this morning before I left for church, I realized that it's at this age, at this level of maturity that God knew I'd be able to handle that first day of class and the 4 years of classes ahead of me. I have a sense of peace that I am exactly where I'm meant to be, because I am living with joy, rather than waiting for happiness. This is something I struggled with only a few years ago, because I kept waiting on what I wanted to happen, to happen. "When I get into UNC...", "when I start medical school..." i thought, "then i'll have joy."
But joy comes in the morning, does it not? Usuaully right after your darkest hour when you're forced to either fold, or have faith. Joy comes when you get yet another rejection letter, but you somehow find the willingness to re-apply. Joy comes when you're supplied with every tool and all the time you needed to study for the MCAT, even though that means moving home and being unemployed to do so. Joy is being willing to accept that you can ask for what you want, and then be faithful that God will provide what you need. I admit I was frustrated and angry that I had rejoiced in the Lord and he did not give me the desires of my heart. But, my problem was that I had done my rejoicing all wrong. I had expected it to be an even exchange, and rather than finding joy, I was seeking a specific blessing. We can know where we want to go, but the Lord has to direct our steps to get there. Being comfortable walking blindly in the path he lays out for us, and accepting that you will be placed where you need to be, that's joy.
I won't be foolish enough to think that I won't face more moments of living outside of my joy. I won't say that I will always be this confident in my abilities to succeed here, that I won't wish school were easier or that I won't wonder how I'll make it through. However, I will try my best to at least remember that I am where I am supposed to be. In those moments of doubt, I will remind myself that, I got not only what I asked for but what is best for me, because it was given to me on God's time and for a purpose greater than graduation. My purpose here is to live out the calling on my life- a medical degree is a means to an end. That end is to glorify God.
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